Gaining the courage to start dating
I have noticed a recent trend with some members at Social 8. While most of our members are enjoying the dinners and meeting new members, many are telling us that all 5 other attending members were lovely and they would be happy to catch up with any of them again be it for a one on one or at another Social 8 event. Now this pleases us enormously as it shows that we truly have a successful program on our hands. The down side of this however is that with many members saying this and not being specific about naming who they would like to have contact with, we can often be at a standoff. This means numbers are not being swapped with potential new friends.
I understand culturally in the past it has been traditionally for ladies to sit back and wait and see who may want to contact them however we are seeing more of this happening too from the male members. It is encouraging to know so many of you are enjoying each others company at the dinners however I wonder if many of you could be taking these potentially nice moments a step further and perhaps forming friendships or even potentially gaining dating partners.
There could be many reasons for this and I understand the vulnerability in putting our-self ‘out there’. Perhaps some of you are remember past times when you have been rejected. We have all experienced this in the past. It does not matter how successful someone is, nor how talented, wealthy, attractive or popular. Each of us has a 7 or maybe a 17 year-old inside us who remembers how it feels to be rejected. And none of us which to voluntarily experience this feeling again.
I also find it interesting that many men are now sitting back with a wait and see attitude to who may enjoy their company. So why are we noticing this change in men too? I have pondered the thought that for the past 20 or so years, we women have been asking men to get in-touch with their feminine side. I think of it more as asking men to be more in-touch with their emotions and sensitivity. Many men have worked very hard to open themselves emotionally and succeeded in doing this. Often however, to find that their now more delicate emotional state has resulted in hurt and pain when a relationship has ended. Men are no different to women in that none of us wants to be hurt. We do not enjoy the feeling and have no desire to have a repeat performance. So perhaps it is up to us women to now understand men are delicate emotionally too and lets respect their emotions the same way we have been asking men to respect and understand our emotions.
So how can we gain confidence to put our-self out there, yet protect our ego’s? Perhaps it could lie in our mindset of what dating is. Talking to people who have lived and dated in America, it seems dating in Australia is a much more serious occurrence than in the States. Now I know I am doing some shocking generalisation here, however it does seem that in general Americans take the whole swapping of phone numbers and going out a lot more casually. They seem to have casual dating as a part of their culture where it is acceptable to date someone once or twice and simply enjoy those nice nights out. Often in Australia we find our dating culture can be more about dating for the assessment of a life partner. So I gently suggest here that maybe a mindset more American of lets go for a date and have a nice night out might free some from the more daunting thought of rejection as a potential life partner.
I truly believe to find new friends and to start dating is a numbers game. The more people we meet, the more ‘dates’ or can I say nice nights out with someone newly met, the greater our chances of finding new lifelong friends or a life partner. So perhaps changing your thoughts to ‘I would like to see them again for another fun night’ could be a better mind set than….do I want to swap numbers with them which seems to imply so much more.
So next time you are attending a dinner and you find the other members company enjoyable, I encourage you to consider naming some members to Robyn and I for you to potentially swap numbers with so you can enjoy another nice night in their company.
And thank you as always for being such pro-active wonderful members of Social 8. It is kudos to you that we have so many comments of ‘all the members were great’ post dinner.
Warmest regards
Jane
Gaining confidence to start dating April 24, 2009
Learning to Love Ourself More April 22, 2009
Learning to love ourselves more…
Like many of you, I love to meet new people and am particularly drawn to those who seem to radiate inner confidence. By this I mean those who have a true sense of self worth. This is not to be confused with those who are extroverts, those who are dominating in conversation or perhaps those who are arrogant. The confident people I like can appear with all sorts of personality traits yet they all have in common a quiet confidence. I believe having a sense of inner confidence is a key to being attractive to the opposite gender. And who wouldn’t like to have everyone wanting to be with us? We then get to pick who it is we would like to be with.
So how do we gain this special sense of confidence? Can we get it? Can we learn it? And if so how? I believe we can. I truly believe a sense of confidence is really the same thing as having a strong sense of self love. Our society doesn’t tend to embrace the teaching of learning to love our self. Even saying those words can bring a feeling or sense of arrogance, a sense of ‘who does she think she is’ which then could be closely followed by the cutting down of someone like this (the Aussie Tall Poppy Syndrome). So how can we learn to love ourselves then when it is difficult to talk about. I think first off, we have to look at what can undermine our confidence. This can often be the surface stuff.
Do we love our appearance or do we feel unattractive? If we feel unattractive, which is very very common by the way, even the most physically beautiful models feel this way. Then why do we feel this way? This is something to be tackled I believe. Most people do judge on physical appearance when we first meet. We are visual creatures too. So a good sense of confidence in our appearance will go a long way to presenting as the confident person you want to be.
Are we overweight? If the answer is yes, then acknowledge this and make an effort to gain fitness. Fit healthy physical people are often those most desired by the opposite gender, even when that person is not the same. I am not talking about the perfect body, but I am talking about your sense of self love. If you don’t like being overweight then chances are that the opposite gender feel that and are agreeing with you.
Are you unsure what clothes look good on you or how to buy clothes that make you feel good about yourself? If this is you, then look around you. Do you know someone who you like their sense of clothing style? Ask them where they shop or even better, ask them to go shopping with you. And trust them. Empower them to tell you the truth honestly and with kindness if something doesn’t suit you. Be prepared to invest in yourself too, spend on clothes (and shoes) that make you look contemporary, well looked after and make you feel good about yourself. Do you not know how to have a good hair cut or style or wear makeup properly? Again, ask your friends who you like their look. Most people will be flattered and honoured to help you. And be a little daring if you can with your new look. Being contemporary in appearance can be very uplifting for people. However make it age appropriate. Again, this is an attractive quality. By the way, I have several very talented friends I can recommend who can help with anything to do with your appearance. And if something in your appearance really bothers you that cant be ‘fixed’ then you have to learn to love that part of you. Look at the gift behind the problem. There is always a gift. Once found you can be thankful and appreciative for the gift. If you need help here, give me a call and I will talk a little more personally to you about how I learnt to love some of my ‘bits’. Its very empowering and freeing to master this.
So now we have addressed the appearance issues briefly. So what about your personality. Do you like you? If the answer is no, then I would guess that many others sense this. What is it you don’t like about you? Do you get really nervous meeting new people? Then can I suggest you try preparing when you are going to be meeting new people. Write a list of qualities you like about yourself. Include in this list hobbies, interests or topics that you are confident talking about. I bet for most people over the age of 30, this list when given some serious attention to will be quite long. And if it isn’t, can I suggest you ask some of your closest family and friends to help point out your good qualities. Once you have an idea of what you are confident talking about, you may find some of those nerves disappearing a little.
Do you find you are not confident holding a balanced conversation? Do you find in your effort to impress that you spend the whole night talking about yourself or that there are awkward silences you don’t know how to fill? I come back to the preparing idea mentioned earlier. This will work in this scenario too however I want you to add a list of questions that you can include to ask the other people about themselves. And when they answer your question, please show interest in what they have to say. A balanced conversation is one where no-one feels excluded and everyone has had a chance to listen and to share.
I also believe to truly love ourselves is to really like who we are deep down. Affirmations here are an invaluable tool to achieve this. And no, this is not just a ‘girl thing’. Many very successful high profile men I know regularly use affirmations to achieve exactly that which they are desiring. Affirmations are a great way to bring about positive change. It may seem at first as though it is nonsense or maybe it appears as a form of brainwashing, however I promise you, affirmations work. And regardless of the how or why, it is ultimately the end result we are after. To feel a genuine sense of strong self worth. Now affirmations can take on many different forms. I like to encourage people to start with simply ones, ones that you can change to make your own. The more personal to you the affirmation is, the more powerful it will be. Some examples of great starting affirmations are….
I love and accept myself exactly as I am, I am perfect
I know that I deserve love and I accept it now
Loving myself unconditionally brings healing and an abundance of love into my life
Following on from my recent article on positive thinking, using affirmations will produce very powerful results. The thoughts we think and the words we speak create our experiences!
So how to use affirmations? I find the easiest way is to write my affirmation down on paper. Carry this paper around with you in you pocket or somewhere you access a lot during the day. Taped to your mobile phone is a good place. Or print it out and stick it on the bathroom mirror, the fridge, office computer and car dashboard. Each time you look at the card, read it at least 5 times. If in private, it is even more powerful if read out loud. And to turbo boost your affirmation, read it to yourself while looking into your eyes in the mirror. I also like to start and end my day with affirmations. At first it will feel silly I know. But it will be your secret that you are doing this. No-one will know except you…and what if it works? What would it really feel like to be one of ‘those’ confidence types? Imagine how good it would feel to get out of bed each day knowing the world was ready and glad to receive me each day. This can be you. Please, give it a try. Infact if you have read this far, you are probably ready to give this a go. And if you need help with affirmations or would like some reading recommendations, please let me know. I would be honoured to help.
Empowering you to love yourself more today than you did yesterday, you are beautiful!
How attitude is important when single and dinner dating March 12, 2009
I am often asked, what makes Social 8 so successful and what are the common characteristics of members who enjoy success with Social 8?
First off, I would like to define what success is with Social 8. Our focus is on helping our members to meet new people, to expand your social circle and hopefully make new friends. While all our members are single and all certainly hope to start dating someone special, this is a by product of our services. Our focus is to help you to get your social network expanding. Once you start to do this, you will then meet the new people in your life’s friends, and their friends . This is how it works, this is how it happened in our 20’s and can happen again for us as we get older. Social 8 simply provides a safe, elegant, non threatening and easy way to meet new people.So success for a member is defined as someone who has enjoyed catching up with lots of members and has successfully expanded their social circle where they now see it as a perpetual expansion rather than a constant shrinking state. So for now, we shall ignore the desire of many of you to meet the love of their life (I shall write more on that another time) and focus instead on the creating of new friendships. So why is it that some people are able to attract and make new friends easily? I believe it is an attitude that separates peoples’ success here.
Each person brings their own energy to Social 8 and it is that energy that each member gets to feel that determines if they want to make friends with that person or not. Some people just seem to radiate that ‘attraction’ energy. The stuff that makes us all feel good and want to be in that persons presence more than anyone else. We all know these people. Things come easy to these people and are often seen as those who don’t have to try so hard. They seem to be born with that extra quality that many others strive for. They are also very comfortable in their own skin, so much so they ‘seem’ to truly not need anyone else. Actually, they don’t ‘need’ anyone else for their own happiness. They have realised that their happiness is not dependent on others, but on their own state of mind. So what is this quality and can I get some of it….please? Yes you can! This is something I believe is attainable with a little work. The old adage of ‘they were born with it’ probably doesn’t hold here as I do think we can train ourselves to have some of what they have.
It all starts with our thought process. Are we someone who is positive or negative? Is our cup half full or half empty? Do we look on the bright side or constantly find something to complain about. When things go wrong, do we take ownership and learn or are we always looking to blame someone else? When others become upset do we add to their drama by agreeing or even worse joining in on the complaining, or rudely and childishly fighting with them or do we take a moment to share gently the other side or a more positive way to look at things? So on one hand we have someone who is negative, whose glass is always nearly empty, who complains all the time, who blames everyone else for every little thing and who dramatises everything. This doesn’t paint a very nice scene. In fact just reading that description, you can feel the negative or heavy feeling jumping off the page. It is an angry, tired, heavy, sad, dark feeling. Next we have someone who is positive, whose glass always has plenty in it, who always looks on the bright side and doesn’t let complaining people bother them,. They look at ways to be better in themselves by taking ownership of their lives. They believe they are in control of their lives (rightly so as they are) and so understand they control everything in their world. They make us see things in a better way and feel good to be around. This person has a lightness to them. You just know they don’t let too much bother them and they always seem happy. They enjoy life and bring that joy to the life of those they are around. The feeling is so light and happy and positive that we want to be with this person more and more. So this is the person we want to make friends with. This is the successful person at Social 8.
Now some people are miserable negative people all the time while others are rays of sunshine all the time. Yet most people fit somewhere in between. I bet however that many of you are much more negative than you would give yourself credit for initially. I know when I first looked in the mirror at myself, I decided I was someone who was quite positive. As I started to catch my thoughts or rather be more aware of my roaming thoughts I realised I was quite negative (something others wouldn’t have said about me) yet there you are…negative lots of the time I was. So I encourage you to start being aware of your natural thoughts, those are the thoughts you have usually reacting to life dozens or even hundreds of times on an everyday basis. Do you find yourself stuck at red traffics lights getting angry (reacting) or do you consciously make a decision to not be angry and to take the time to think positively about your environment (look around you and observe positive things instead) or put some nice music on the car CD and take a moment to relax. Do you find yourself getting upset at an inefficient waiter? Instead choose to let it go, don’t buy into the negative, and stay positive. I promise you, you will not become a doormat and be walked all over, you wont even see those things. Instead you will be that happy buzzy person who nothing seems to bother and who always seems to be having a good time because……you are!
I realise to some this may sound too simple. I promise you, it is this simple although it certainly takes some time and practice to re-train our thoughts to be positive. I also promise you, if you try this, you will instantly feel a little better. It is impossible for our bodies to be experiencing a negative and positive thought or emotion at exactly the same time. And, you can use this skill at any time in your life to ‘pick yourself up’. When you find yourself becoming negative, search for a more positive thought. You will know you have done it as you will literally feel it in your gut. Your energy will change to lighter. This is that ‘feeling in the gut’ we get. Trust it, if the situation or your thought process feels bad, then it is, ALWAYS! Another great way to change your negative thoughts is to go on a ‘rampage of appreciation’. Take a moment or two to stop whatever you are doing and thinking, look around you and quickly observe positive things. The sun shining, a beautiful bit of nature, your children smiling, a favourite CD, a loved photo etc. Now keep going and hold these positive observations and thoughts for as little as 17 seconds and you have changed your energy.
So spend 17 seconds regularly. Choosing your thought means you choose your energy. Then you get to choose your friends. Everyone will want to be around you (well those who are worth being around….forget the grumpy negative ones) and so you become the success. You then will get to choose from every person you come into contact with who you would like to let into your life.
Sending positive thoughts your way
Jane
